Matching Pajamas
I bought the first pair of matching sibling Christmas pajamas once I felt confident that I would be home with a new baby by Christmas Day. Caleb’s due date was December 29th, but I was going to be induced at 37 weeks, on December 8th. Surely we would be home before Christmas, celebrating together in pure chaotic bliss.
I bought Abby and Caleb matching Baby Yoda Christmas pajamas from Hanna Andersson. I spent a loooooot of time shopping online during my 2 month hospitalization, so I looked at every single matching Christmas pajama set multiple times before I chose. Thinking about Christmas Day gave me something to look forward to. Abby would be the excited 2 year old ripping open presents, Caleb would be the snuggly newborn, and my Mama heart would be so full. I would document Caleb’s first Christmas with adorable pictures in their matching pajamas, taking at least 30 shots to get maybe 1 decent photo.
This was far from the reality that we ended up living on Christmas Day.
Caleb was still in the hospital requiring tube feeds, continuous cardiorespiratory monitoring, and glucose checks every 3 hours.
Our hearts were broken, having our family separated on Christmas. We spent the morning with Abby at home and spent the afternoon with Caleb in the NICU. I had worked many holidays in the hospital in past years- I would wear cute, festive clothes and accessories and make the most of it. This Christmas, entering the hospital to see my baby and spend just a few hours of his first Christmas with him, was one of the heaviest days of my journey as a NICU mother.
There were no matching pajamas or cute sibling photos. Abby was not even permitted to visit her baby brother in the NICU per hospital policies in the post-pandemic world. Abby wore her Baby Yoda Christmas pajamas at home. Caleb could not even wear his in the NICU as they were not compatible with all of the wires and equipment.
When I look at pictures from that Christmas, I see Abby’s joy and excitement, as a 2 year old should be on Christmas morning. I see Caleb’s cuteness and contentment - as long as he was fed and snuggled in the NICU, he was happy. I see my devastation, trying to be strong while my heart was shattered.
To this day, matching holiday pajamas hold a lot of weight. They mean a lot more than just a cute photo. They commemorate the many holidays that we have shared and will continue to share as a family together, but they always carry a touch of grief for Caleb’s first Christmas in the NICU.
