The way my body remembers

I am in Caleb’s room, putting him to bed when I hear a crash and Abby crying in the bathroom.

Immediately, my brain transports itself back in time 4 and a half years ago and I am pregnant with Caleb, admitted to the inpatient antepartum unit for 8 weeks.  Two-year-old Abby has her first bad accident while I am in the hospital and falls off the bathroom counter and slices her head open.  Blood, screaming, hysteria, as my husband Corey rushes her to urgent care for stitches.  I get the synopsis from Corey on the phone with reassurance that she will be okay, and my sister is rushing over to help him.

I quickly end the phone call so he can take care of her, and I completely fall apart, sitting on the edge of my hospital bed.  I don’t think I have ever cried so forcefully before.  I’m hyperventilating, unable to catch my breath.  I need help.  It’s 7 PM and the nurses are all in sign out.  One of my favorite nurses just said good night to me as she got ready to head out at the end of her 12 hour shift.  I needed her.

I went and asked a receptionist if she could send M into my room when she was done with her sign out before she went home.  I squeaked out “it’s ok, I’m fine” as tears streamed down my face.  I didn’t want her to think I was bleeding or having an actual medical emergency!

Of course, M came running to my room.  She held me, hugged me, and put her hand on my back as I sobbed and told her Abby had gotten hurt and I wasn’t there to take care of her.  How could I not be there for her first stitches?  I felt like a prisoner, being kept away from my two-year-old, missing milestones both good and bad.  M completely understood.  And when she told me that Abby was going to be okay, I genuinely believed her.

She stayed late after her shift ended, missing time with her own family, so she could help me through my panic attack and crisis.  She didn’t leave until I was okay.

How is it possible that 4 and a half years later, I am in my own home, with my now 6 year old Abby and 4 year old Caleb, and a crash in the bathroom brings me back to this moment.  I remember every detail.  My body reacts with immediate panic, even though I can quickly hear that Abby is perfectly fine and not at all hurt.  My brain leaves my body and goes back in time.  I start crying and looking for M.  Where is she?  Does she remember me?  Does she know that I will never forget?

My brain holds onto the trauma so vividly, but it remembers the bright heroes of my journey too.